Woke up late today. Got next to no sleep. Someone's going to pay for this, and damned if it's going to be me. Time to take my stress out on an unsuspecting world.

Kill 'em with Kindness

Being an Antagonist, I've amassed an admirable collection of people who don't like me. A collection I treasure and use as a meter for measuring my power over others. The problem becomes, however, once someone realizes you're trying to make them upset, the more mature of your subjects will pry control away from you, dismissing your every action, knowing its intended effect.

The solution? Kindness.

Being nice to people in these situations is great; they're half-unsure of what's going on, and entirely on edge looking for your alterior motives. Presented in front of a mutual friend, they look especially crazy! Watch with glee as you open doors or offer to buy them lunch, only to have them snap at you or constantly ask what you're up to. Before long, they look like the jerk! That'll teach those jerks!

Other people's girlfriends

Antagonizing other people's girlfriends is great. It pisses the girlfriend off, pisses the guy off, and adds a small bit to the engulfing emptiness that is the soul of a single person. So at any and all opportunities, I choose friends' girlfriends as a target.

The other day, a friend asked me to hold his phone. WHAT A GENIUS. I of course immediately waited until his back was turned and texted his girlfriend "I think we should break up". In my defense, I put a few lines of blank text, and, out of sight unless you scrolled down, put "just kidding this is <my name>". Not my fault if the girl can't maintain basic reading comprehension. Needless to say she freaked out and called him relentlessly, and guess who kept hanging up on her?

He didn't care much for my antics when he caught the backlash later, but as a great man once said, if he can't take a joke, fuck him.

The Art of Getting Someone Fired

If you know someone you don't get along with, why would you take advice from them? Especially in a time of crisis? I suppose people don't expect others to be expressly looking out for their worst interests. Sucks to be them.

I may have just gotten a co-worker, Arturo, fired. I work in a yet-undisclosed customer service field (imagine that, a jaded customer service professional!), and as anyone with two brain cells to rub together knows, the customer is always right (to his face). Arturo got into a disagreement with a customer, and it escalated to said customer yelling and demanding to speak with a manager. At this point you just let it go and move on, these morons aren't worth the stress. Well apparently Arty was having a bad day, because he just could not let this go. He was steaming over what this guy had said to management. He was considering catching the guy on his way out and discussing it with him. Well, I'm far from above manipulating the less fortunate for my own amusement, so of course I egged him on.

"Oh hell yeah man. You gotta say something. You can't let people just walk all over you like that."

Arturo took the advice, caught the guy on his way out, and started screaming at him. The two were literally yelling in each other's faces, two feet away from other customers! It didn't take long for a manager to come out, apologize so profusely I thought he was going to go down on the guy right there, and calmly escort Arturo into the back, where a legendary firing occurred. Art was in shock. He just walked out the front like a shell-shocked war veteran in the midst of a PTSD flashback.

Needless to say, I was inconsolable.

Testing mobile blogging!

Back from Hawaii!

I just got back from spending a month in Hawaii! It's a beautiful place, here's just some of the amazing pictures I took!

Just kidding! These were all taken from Google images! Had you going for a minute, didn't I?

Dane Cook is not funny

I know this is said a lot, but fuck

Dane Cook is certifiably awful and anybody who likes him has poor taste in comedy.